circle of friends

Today I went out with my girlfriends to lunch to celebrate the birthday of one of my closest friends. It was a bittersweet event because this friend - who I also work with - is going to be leaving her job shortly. My friend is really sweet, and, as a person who was adopted, has been very supportive of my husband and I as we walk this adoption path.

I'm really going to miss her.

Infertility has made me stop and consider all of my relationships. The relationships that I thought would be the most supportive have turned out to be the least supportive and miracle friends have come up out the shadows to carry me through some of the most difficult days of my life.

I am just so grateful. 

Last night I had an appointment with my counselor and for a moment at the end of my session we were talking about how infertility has changed my life. I told her that in many ways I'm grateful for the way that infertility has "woken me up" to real life. I've realized how important strong relationships are - and that they take work and nurturing. My marriage has become stronger and my relationship with my husband has greater depth. I'm trying very hard to learn not to take things so personally. Infertility has made me vulnerable in so many ways - I do wish that some of the women in my life who can't or won't recognize my struggle would reach out to me - but that hasn't happened. Now it's my choice to decide how to manage those relationships. It's all about boundaries, baby.

This struggle with some of my closest relationships makes me sad - and it makes the holidays hard - that's why I'm so grateful for friends that care for me. Being a good friend requires me to set down my burdens and gripes of the moment and support others in my circle with their stuff. Sometimes it's good to take a break from myself and wish others well. To sing happy birthday. To be a friend.

Infertility can make a person very self absorbed. It's exhausting.

My husband is always telling me to just relax now. We have a plan in place and the rest is up to God. I know that's true, I just worry. Today I stopped worrying so much and I had a little fun. In the years ahead I want to be a good mom and I want to be a good friend.

I pray I can be both.

Jill

(Image above: Heavy Words art print.)

good to go

2,000 miles in four days. From Minneapolis, Minnesota to Knoxville, Tennessee. We were blessed with clear roads and no car trouble.

And a clean bill of health and a thumbs up from Dr. K to start moving forward with our embryo adoptions and transfer in March 2015.

We feel so blessed right now. I'm tired with a bit of a stiff neck from driving all day, but I know that we are so very blessed to be getting the opportunity to pursue embryo adoption. Dr. K said that my lining and body responded well to the mock cycle protocol so now all that's left for me is to finish up my medication for this cycle month and then prepare myself physically. mentally and spiritually for this our upcoming cycle in March.

I'm sure that the time will fly by as we are matched with donor families and as we prepare for my husband's possible deployment. It will be a whirlwind as we try to prepare our home and families, file taxes, complete our home study renewal and just survive the rest of the holidays and New Year.

I feel kinda guilty because my Christmas will be in March this year - that's pretty much my mindset.

And in other news: CONGRATULATIONS to all you ladies with positive beta results. So happy, happy, happy for you all.

Blurg. Dirty laundry and the rest of the work week awaits . . . time to dig into it.

XOXO

Jill

road trip!

We dropped the dog off at the sitter and we've started to pack up for our road trip to Tennessee and the National Embryo Donation Center. I'm just happy we made it through Thanksgiving and the months of September, October and November. Now we have to make it through December, Christmas and the months of January and February before we can start trying at making a family again.

It's kinda sad that I can run down this list on months and holidays and have this sort of attitude about time, but this is how I'm framing my thoughts right now.

We also found out a few weeks ago that my husband might be getting deployed in March 2015. He came home and said: "Honey, I have some hard news."

I said: "Great. Your sister's pregnant again."

He said: "Nope. I've been put on alert for a deployment."

We'll find out more on that at his upcoming drill in December. For now we're taking it day by day and month by month at a time. I'm just grateful to have him with me now. We're not planning on altering our adoption plans in any way. As far as we're concerned he'll have his mission in March and I'll have mine - our mission - really. But I'll be doing it all alone.

It's gonna be hard if I have to go through multiple transfers alone, but I will do it.

So . . . lots of thoughts are jumbled around in my head this Thanksgiving holiday weekend. Things seem to be going wrong, then a little right, then we get thrown for a loop again, then we get back on course, then the wind gets knocked out of us - but we are still staying strong together.

I'm very thankful for all of my blessings this Thanksgiving. Even struggles can be blessings.

Sending love and hope to you all.

Jillian

the weekend

I started my estrace last week. So far I feel fine. I may start feeling something when I up my dose to three pills a day - that starts on Monday.

I'm looking forward to the three-day work week next week. We'll leave for Tennessee the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Our appointment with Dr. K is on December 1. I can't believe almost three months have passed since our failed IVF. I hope the next three months pass just as fast.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'll let you know how our appointment goes with Dr. K. We will feel truly blessed to get the all clear to proceed with embryo adoption. I can't think of why he wouldn't say everything is okay for us to move forward, but at this point I don't take anything for granted.

Praying for all of you who had transfers this week. Can't wait to hear your pregnancy announcements.

Sending love:

Jill

the days go by . . .

The days go by . . .

I was sitting at a stoplight on my way home from work and I realized that I was praying. I've been doing that a lot lately and it's really improved my attitude and outlook on life. Mainly I've been giving thanks for all of the blessings in my life. Like my health, husband, and job. This beautiful world. The fall weather has been beautiful around here.

I've been praying for patience and strength. Praying that I can be a good wife, friend, sister and daughter and one day . . . a mom.

I've been praying lately too for our donor family - the couple who will donate their embryos for us to adopt. Praying for guidance and that we are connected with a really great people who are healthy and strong . . . so that our kids will inherit those traits.

At the beginning of September I knew we had a six month wait until we could transfer the embryos in March. We're already 1/3 of the way through our wait now that it is the end of October.

The days go by . . .

We paid off a huge chunk of my student loans yesterday with our refunded money from our failed IVF. They refunded us about 45% of the initial fees charged. I wish we had a baby instead of a refund . . . but I'm glad we could turn and use the money responsibly. I may not want to work as much when I'm a mother - so sacrifice now and reap the benefits later.

We've been following the Total Money Makeover, by Dave Ramsey which I would highly recommend. Infertility treatments often balance on the health and wealth of a couple's finances. That's so sad, but it's very true. Not having the money to do a treatment would be heartbreaking. One of the best things for my marriage has been getting on the same page financially. We've agreed to sacrifice certain things so that we can make a go at this dream we have called having a family.

It means staying in our starter house (we'll probably be here forever) and not going on vacations, but if I can hear my kids calling out to me someday in this house it will be worth every dream that we've let go of. Family is the most important thing.

So . . . the days are going by . . .  I hope and pray they are bringing us closer to our family. I pray for each of you too - that you get the families you're praying for as well.

XOXO

Jillian

day 02 - mock cycle

That old witch came to visit - my period - and just in time for Halloween week. It was three full days late. I guess I feel lucky, because I knew I wasn't pregnant but Google told of some women having really off cycles the month after a failed IVF cycle.

Day 02 of my mock cycle. Just popping a birth control pill each night before bed.

I've got three weeks of this, then I'll stop, get my period, and start taking Estrace about a week after that.

Wooh hooh! Exciting.

My husband and I just wrapped up our first round of paper work for our home study renewal. Now we have to schedule an appointment with our social worker and then wait for her to update all of our paperwork. I've got a few months wiggle room here. We're aiming to have everything complete the first week of January 2015, since we can't move forward with our embryo adoption until our three year wedding anniversary on the 7th of January. I think I'm anticipating this January 7th more than I did the January 7th of our actual wedding.

Kinda funny.

Well, I hope you all are well. It's Friday tomorrow!

Jillian

hormone flux + disappointment

Well, ladies my hormones are all messed up again. Remember this past summer? Me and clomid? Well, I should have guessed that my body would also react in a similar way to all of those IVF drugs. Because my period has not arrived - nor am I pregnant.

This could mess up my mock trial which is going to culminate on December 1, when my husband and I drive out to Tennessee to meet with Dr. K. and see how my body responds to the estrace. Blurg. I called NEDC this morning and spoke with the IVF nurse. She said that if my period doesn't show up by next Monday to give them a call. Apparently I have about a week's worth of wiggle room to still make this test run. We'll still head out to Tennessee to get the ball rolling, but I will have to do my mock trial here and have my results send to Dr. K. I just wish we could do it all there.

Now I'm praying for my period.

No comment.

Today was a rough day at work. I had recovered somewhat the night before, but sitting at work I realized that my sister-in-law is pregnant and I'm not. I just felt like shit. I know it's bad. I just read what I wrote . . . but I still felt like shit. It's just that it happened and it happened to someone else and I don't wanna celebrate with her.

I want to pout in the corner like a baby. I want to cry and throw a tantrum.

But I will do none of those things. Sigh. It's her turn now. It's sucks for us, but her pregnancy has redefined their entire life. Transformed. Now they have so many new hopes and assumptions about their future.

I emailed my brother to congratulate him. Just a short note. I tried to make it funny and heartfelt. I was disappointed when he emailed me back that he knew I would be happy for him. No comment about how we must be feeling about having a failed IVF the same month they got pregnant.

I was disappointed in him. If my husband were here he would ask "but where you surprised by his words?"

No. I wasn't.

I'm sad that he didn't acknowledge our struggle in contrast to his joy. The acknowledgment of that would have meant that we are "in relationship." That we as siblings have a symbiotic relationship. That our joys and sorrows are shared. (I believe they are.) But he doesn't see it. So often we isolate those who struggle. We cut off their pain from our joy. We don't talk about it.

If he just could have said: "Yah, we're so happy. We know how blessed we are. We struggled a bit, you know, but we got lucky. I know how much you have struggled. I know how hard last month was for you. This must be hard for you. Thank you for the congratulations. I hope you guys are pregnant soon too."

Instead he said: I knew you'd be happy for us. That's it.

I read back through my blogs and I am aware that I'm pretty hyper-critical about people's words. I'm usually labeling people as jerks. No one can seem to say anything right. I mean, I know I'm that way. I'm a critical person. That's not so good.

But come on - my brother and his wife got pregnant the month we had a failed IVF - I shared our grief with them in a very real email - and they can't even acknowledge our struggle.

I'll acknowledge your joy - you recognize our struggle. Just once.

another pregnancy announcement

 My brother's wife called and left a message on my phone yesterday.

Which was strange for her.

I didn't want to return the call, because I knew what was coming, but I forced myself to face the music.

They're pregnant.

I'm so happy for them. I guess the hard thing for me is that her pregnancy will follow the exact path of days that our pregnancy would have followed - if our IVF had been even remotely successful.

Just another kick in the pants that makes it hard for me to process mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Getting pregnant wasn't an easy journey for them. She required some medication and hormone treatment because she has PCOS . . . I think they've been trying to a little over a year. I'm happy that they're not in the same boat as we are, but now that my sister-in-law has gone over to the other side of hormonal mom-to-be land I'm still stuck here in crazy-infertile-couple land and it blows.

The holidays are coming up and it just blows that I'm going to have to listen to people asking her what her due date is. Early June 2015.

I cried all last night. Just cried because I'm sick and tired of this. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Of feeling that something's missing from our life - because it is. We're working so hard to try to create a situation that could lead us to be a family. Domestic adoption, embryo adoption and prayer, prayer, prayer.

But God is not answering my prayers - at least not now.

Trying to stay strong and put on a happy face. I'm glad I have a few weeks to make it strong. My brother and sister-in-law will be visiting the first week of November.

Hanging by a thread.

Jillian

more hoops (mock cycle)

If everything shakes down that way it has been shaking down for the past twenty-eight consecutive months, I will be getting my period this Thursday and then I will be starting birth control pills in preparation for our mock cycle at the end of November with Dr. K at the National Embryo Donation Center in Tennessee.

I'm excited. I mean, taking a pill each night before bed with psychologically help my brain and heart understand that we are moving on. We're doing something. Trying something new. This will work. I'm excited to start the adoption process and see what God has in store for us. I wish we could start matching with donor families before Christmas, but that's not how it's going to work out.

We will know soon enough.

I'm anxious, like I am before every new fertility endeavor that we embark on. How will my body respond? I have no idea. How will the Estrace effect my mood and emotions? I guess I'll just have to find out.

If any of you who have been to the NEDC clinic out in Tennessee have any suggestions on places to stay while we're there, it would be very much appreciated! I see that a list of suggestions was provided in our info packet, but I'm curious what you all think.

Thanks!

Jillian

big ol' butt (and mondays)

Today is a Monday.

Today is a Monday and I went into work, bent over, and bust out the seam in the back of my trousers.

Today is Monday and I went into work, bent over and bust out the seam in the back of my trousers and had to drive home through rush hour traffic to change clothes.

Today is Monday and I went into work, bent over and bust out the seam in the back of my trousers and had to drive home through rush hour traffic to change clothes, then my computer crashed five times.

Today is Monday and I went into work, bent over and bust out the seam in the back of my trousers and had to drive home through rush hour traffic to change clothes, then my computer crashed five times, and when I got home I discovered the dog had pulled some books off the bookshelf and destroyed them in the middle of the living room.

Today is Monday and I went into work, bent over and bust out the seam in the back of my trousers and had to drive home through rush hour traffic to change clothes, then my computer crashed five times, and when I got home I discovered the dog had pulled some books off the bookshelf and destroyed them in the middle of the living room, then I opened the fridge and all there is to eat is a jar of pickles and some mac'n'cheese.

But then my husband came home and gave me a smooch and laughed at my story (over and over and over) and you know what?

I am ok.

(Plus, I'm going shopping.)

piles of paperwork

I'm happy that it's the weekend again. As I write this I have some fresh pumpkin baking in the oven for the spiced pumpkin cake that I plan to make later today. Garrett is working, so I have the house to myself. I've done some cleaning, and I also took the cat to the vet.

We're renewing our home study so I have piles of paper work stacked on my desk.

We got our appointment at the National Embryo Donation Center - December 1, 2014! We will be taking a Thanksgiving road trip from Minnesota to Tennessee. That's about a 15 hour drive each way, but driving is still much, much cheaper than flying at that time of year.

We have to wait until January 7, 2015 - because that's our 3 year anniversary - to start making matches with donors. That's an extra month wait . . . God is good. I feel like all of the cogs on this invisible machine that is going to help us start our family are finally starting to line up and creak into motion.

We've been watching the videos provided by The National Fertility Support Center to help us understand the various aspects of embryo adoption. I'm hoping that nothing prevents us from having an open adoption with our child, because that really seems like the best way to go. It will be hard and scary, but it's the best thing for the child.

I'm already day dreaming about our family.

 . . . just a little bit . . .

Then I stop and say a prayer for patience and hope that this will work and get back to focusing on the day to day aspects of my life. Like I said, I took the cat to the vet today. It looks like she has some cavities. (I know!) (Cavities?) So I'll have to take care of that. Then there's this project that needs to go out at work. Then there's knitting and book club and the approaching holidays.

Before I know it January 7, 2015 will be here.

I am counting down the days . . . but I'm also trying to enjoy them.

To all of you celebrating pregnancy, I send you warm hopes. To all of you struggling with sorrow and loss, you are in my prayers. To all of you fighting to keep your babies safe and strong, I ask God to watch over you. To all of you waiting for joy, I am waiting with you. 

XOXO

Jillian

sad, again

I spoke too soon . . .

After my last post I felt up to organizing my office. I ended up sitting on the floor and going through a box of cards and letters that range over the past ten years of my life.

I saw birth announcements.

Birthday cards.

Anniversary cards.

I re-read some of the cards. The past two years my husband and I have been telling each other. "I'm so sorry that this was such a hard year, honey. Next year will be better. I am so happy to have you in my life."

And then I realized we're due for another round of these Christmas cards showing growing families. We're due for another round of birthdays and holidays and NOTHING HAS CHANGED for us since last year.

I'm just going to be another year older.

Now, I'm sad again. We've been going through this for two hard years.

I'm hopeful . . . but I can't "make-up" holiday cards that feature our child. I can't "make-up" an anniversary card to my husband that says "all our dreams came true this year, honey. You're a wonderful mom."

Instead I realize we're due for another round of fingerprints and questions because our home study is up for renewal.

All of this evidence of the struggle of infertility is sometimes too much to take. Now I have to make something of the rest of my day. I can walk the dog and prepare the soup that I planned to make for dinner. Then there's that glass of wine I was looking forward to earlier in the day. Somehow I've got to get through this.

Monday looms . . . deep breath. . .

moving forward

It's taken a few weeks to move past our failed IVF, but I realized that I'm feeling a lot better today and that I have great hope for the future. The past few weeks have been filled with work and after work activities.

I joined a knitting group that meets at a local cafe.

Garrett and I went to a parenting class at our church - even though we don't have kids yet. Our pastor has known that we've been trying to adopt for over a year now. He said "It's good to see you're starting early . . . " when he saw us at the event. It was kinda funny to be the odd couple out amidst a throng of young parent's trying to keep their children in hand. We got some funny looks, and funny comments, but they didn't bother me. Deep in my heart I have faith that I'll need the teachings delivered at the seminar just as much as they do. Also, just knowing for myself how much I have grown as a person to get to this place makes me feel strong and at peace. Six months ago - even two months ago - I never would have been able to bring myself to that place. I know I'll have good and bad days, but this past Friday was a good day and night.

I have book club this week. We read "Wool" by Hugh Howey. This is always a fun night for me. Most of the women there are mothers with older kids, though one of our members is expecting her first child at the beginning of October. She's thirty-eight . . . from my perspective of being thirty-five, it's just nice to see that pregnancy is still possible for me. It's much harder to sit and chat with a pregnant twenty-something.

We're also thinking about signing up for Financial Peace University, which is a financial class about budgeting and getting out of debt. Infertility has really made us watch what we spend and save. It's also taught us how to be prepared financially for an emergency - infertility has been one long "out of pocket" emergency for us. We only have our mortgage and my school loans as major expenses, but now we understand how important it is to be financially responsible. I have been very grateful about the fact that we can "cash flow" our treatments and I never want to put us in a position where lack of funds prevents us from growing our family. Our goal is to be debt free - that's including our mortgage in ten years . . . . if not sooner. (Hopefully we can climb out of this hole called infertility - because that's what's holding us up.)

I've been going to church more and reading my bible. I read or heard somewhere that suffering brings a person closer to God. That's been so true for me. The only place that seems to really speak to my emotional lows is scripture and I've been very lucky to hold onto that.

I've started writing more. I have an English degree and a love of books that I've never really put to good us. Maybe this child-free time in my life and be used toward making the dream of being a published author come true? Whatever happens, it's good to have a positive goal to work toward.

All of our paper work has been turned into the National Embryo Donation Center. Now the ball is in their court. We're hoping to get in for an appointment in December. If all looks good . . . we're in line for a January or March FET. I'm hoping for January . . . It's so hard to wait.

I got my period last weekend . . . so we'll be trying naturally this month. It feels good to be off of the hormones and shots. I had some wine with dinner last night and plan to have a glass tonight . . . small pleasures that I would love to give up soon . . . 

Sending love to you all!

Jillian

back to work & an IVF refund (sorta)

 
I've been back to work this week. It keeps my mind off things, so that's good. I'm so happy for all of those girls that I was pacing my IVF with - it looks like you are all pregnant.

More joy in the world. You deserve it.

I'm waiting for the paper work from the National Embryo Donation Center so that we can get the ball rolling with our embryo adoption. It helps that we have a current home study. It also helps that I'm current on some of the tests that the clinic requires.

If my cards land just the right way, I could be doing my first FET in January 2015. If the timing is off and we have problems with appointment schedules and approvals that date could push back to March 2015.

More waiting. waiting. waiting.

But I have hope.

Our clinic is giving us a 25% discount for our failed IVF . . . we're getting this because of the fact that I insisted on talking to the doctor on day that I had that first bad ultrasound. The day it looked like I had only five follicles. I asked if she thought we would even get one mature egg. I'm glad I asked and voiced my concern. My husband and I will apply the refund (around $2,880.00) to our upcoming treatments.

During this hard time I've discovered a source of inner strength and hope that I didn't know that I had in me. I believe even more firmly that I will be a mom some day soon. There's a quote that goes something like: "When hope becomes too hard, it has to turn to faith." So I have faith.

Our rescue dog (Bree) has been a huge blessing during this time of sadness in our life.  She is one furry, soft, wriggling mass of pure love and adoration. She loves us!

Thinking about you all.

Jillian

a hard week - our failed IVF

This has been a very hard week for me. Since we hit the ultimate brick wall for our IVF cycle on Wednesday I've felt a major let down. All of that work, all of those hopes and then . . . . nothing.

We met with our RE on Thursday and let me just say out front that we will not be continuing treatment with our clinic. The guy couldn't even offer his condolences for our failed cycle. We had many many questions for him about why he thought our cycle went the way it did. He admitted that I had an asymmetrical response to the stimulation drugs - causing one follicle to jump out ahead of the rest, followed by four more, with five more lagging way behind that. He said that my body probably wasn't all the way shut down that the beginning of the stim drugs and that he would recommend not using Lupron for the next cycle. He also laid out a totally different drug protocol that he thought would work.

I asked if he would label me as a poor responder and he said he would not, that I just didn't respond well to this drug protocol.

The thing is: my clinic knew that I was having an asymmetrical response to the drugs and after that really bad US that I posted about (see "stim blues" below) we were wondering why our cycle was not called off. One thing I did not write about in my precious post was that I DID have a conversation with the doctor on staff that day (not our RE) about whether or not we should cancel the cycle and she was confident that we would be able to get something. She upped my doses and told me that we would probably stim for longer. Then when I went to my next appointment and looked at the ultrasound all that seemed to go out the window. The nurse counted ten follicles and she was very excited.

But that count didn't matter - not when those other five follicles would have never caught up. Never. I never even used those extra drugs we ordered because suddenly I was being ordered to do my trigger shot. What a cluster fuck.

I am angry.

I trusted them. I trusted their experience. My husband and I knew that this all could go to hell, but our doctor should not have gone forward with the egg retrieval when we had such low chances of having successful fertilization - because of our low number of what they assumed were mature follicles.

The majority of the fees for the cycle start to happen at the lab retrieval. I feel like we wasted our fertility resources. We can't get that money back.

Our Dr. said that in hindsight he should have canceled the cycle before the retrieval. That didn't make me feel better. We did go and talk to the clinic manager about recouping some of the wasted fee - somehow working it into another cycle . . . but like I said at the offset . . . we did that, but we're not going back.

I guess I just want to see what they say.

So - what a shitty, shitty experience. My dr. and clinic really did nothing to educate us about what was going on and make us aware of the risks - no one said I was having an asymmetrical response during our stim period. Tell the patient what's happening - if they weren't going to make the hard choice to stop the cycle, maybe my husband and I would have. Maybe. We were just so hopeful and desperate. We were flying forward at 60 miles per hour and then suddenly the lab called and said we had nothing.

One red flag that I should have noticed is that the nurse would always turn the ultrasound screen away from me during the procedure. She didn't want me to see the bad news? We're feeling it now. Living it.

So . . . .

One mature egg that fertilized abnormally with icsi - not that odd for a thirty-five year old woman.

and

Three immature eggs.

I do not expect our clinic to "grow our eggs" but the responsible thing would have been to call the cycle off before the couple is completely fucked.

Complete loss of trust. I feel no qualms about stating that our clinic was the University of Minnesota Reproductive Medicine Center, if you want more info about them, email me and I can tell you more about my experience. I feel it's my responsibility to share this - maybe it can save someone else the heartbreak that we've been through this past week.

If you read about someone who is experiencing this same thing . . . please try to warn them. At least they can quiz their drs about it at their next appointment.

So, what's next: Embryo Adoption. We're already signed up and we feel great about it. More to come as soon as I can start lining things up.

I wish this hadn't happened. I wish I was on the two week wait. I am miserable and sad, but I still have hope. I thought IVF was the bottom of the barrel, but God has shown us another way. We hope he as much faith in us as we have in Him.

Thank you all for lifting me up. Praying for you all.

Jillian

canceled

Out of the 10 follicles that were developing, we got 4 eggs.
Three of them were immature.
They tried to fertilize 2 with ivf and the best 2 with icsi.
Three of them didn't fertilize. One fertilized abnormally.

devastated. just devastated.

trigger day

After my ultrasound and blood work yesterday, my doctor told me to give myself my trigger shot last night. One of my follicles was pushing over 20 mm, so we don't want to lose that one.

Retrieval is tomorrow morning at 8 AM. I'm scared and excited. Scared that I'm excited. I hope we get something that we can work with. I hope I can feel some hope and excitement tomorrow when we hear back from the lab about how many of our eggs were fertilized.

I don't know what to expect. This journey has already been full of so many ups and downs. I know that hardest part of the IVF journey is still to come - THE TWO WEEK WAIT.

We still have some major hurdles to get over before we can go there.

I realized as I was driving home from work that this will be our seventh treatment cycle. We have had 4 failed all natural IUI cycles and 2 medicated IUI cycles with donor sperm - also failed. This one is number seven. 

Lucky number seven?

I hope so.

Jillian

grow follicles! grow!

So, this morning's appointment was much, much better. The other follicles are catching up! The nurse who was doing my ultrasound said that they would definitely want to try to capture every singe follicle that they can, so that means we are going to have to manage my stims very wisely these next few days.

I didn't write down my stats, but I do have one follicle at 18 mm today with the smallest of the 10 coming in at 9 mm. The median range seemed to be 13-10 mm. I have heard that things develop quickly toward the end of the stimulation phase so I'm just praying and letting God have the wheel on this.

I'm going to let the numbers surprise me. One of these eggs will help form our child.

I'm taking it easy today. Preparing some food that will get us through next week. It sounds like we will be triggering on Monday or Tuesday with the retrieval 36 hours after that and the transfer 3 days after that - depending on how the embryologist feels about everything.

Thank you God for the improvement and THANK YOU ALL for your kinds words of encouragement and support. I can't tell you how grateful I am. Truly grateful. I would be going crazy with anxiety without all of your support.

Sending love:

Jillian

stim blues

Well, I had a very disappointing day today. My body is not responding very well to the stimulation medication that they have me on.

Out of the 10 follicles that I have developing 5 are solid 11 - 13 mm range but the other five are lagging behind at the 6 - 8 mm range. I was hoping for a better showing.

The nurse was so fast about doing the ultrasound, I was trying to count the follicles, that my ultrasound session seemed very short and abrupt today. She told me to get dressed and then came back in to talk about the results and then I started crying.

She asked if I wanted to talk to a doctor and I said yes. At that point I was thinking we should just turn this cycle into an IUI because of my poor response. Then the doctor came in and said that while my response was a little below average, she wouldn't consider canceling this cycle. The other five could still catch up - some of them.

My estrodiol level is at 784.

So now I'm on 275 IU dose of Follistim for tonight only and they they have doubled my Meopur dose in the mornings. It was at 75 IU, but now it's up to 150 IU. Will this help? Will this hurt? I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I made it through work today and then came home and bawled on my husband's shoulder.

I just want this awful time in our life to be over and in my mind in order for that to happen we need more eggs. Then a baby.

Please help me out here, ladies. Any kind words of encouragement, tales of success and prayers would be greatly appreciated.

I'm making a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup - it's the only thing I can think to do.

Sending love and hope:

Jillian

baby board

Hoping for the best. Praying for God's blessing. Trying to find peace in this journey.

I made this collage last weekend from a bunch of old magazines. I love to make collages. For this one I focused on all of my baby-making hopes for the immediate future and the years ahead. This bulletin board is on the wall beside the table where I've set up my med injection kit. I take my shots in the morning and at night and then imagine myself into the place where all of these images live.

Stim shots are going good. But I'm a bit worried that they didn't give me enough Follistim. Right now I'm on 200 IU dose and I only have 1300 IUs left in the fridge. I will have to ask at my next appointment - which is Labor Day.

Hope everyone has a good holiday.

stims start friday

 
I had my baseline ultrasound and labs today. The nurse didn't call my back to change our plan of action so my next step is to start stim medication on Friday. We have a family event that night so I plan on sticking my follistim pen into my purse and injecting myself in the bathroom. I hope this works out. It will be my first time giving myself that particular shot, but I've been through training for it twice and watched like a hundred videos online.

The nurse did say she say a tiny cyst on my right ovary, but not to worry about it. I guess my doctor wasn't worried about it because no one called. I'm feeling pretty low key right now. Part of my brain is thinking "you should be freaking out, there's so much stuff you have to keep track of!" But I don't think I should freak out about this any more than necessary.

I'll save my freak out for some good news at the end of this journey.

So, that's all I have to up date. I have to go in again on Monday, which is Labor Day. It's actually the only day out of this entire weekend that my husband and I are not doing something. The appointment is in the morning, so I intend to come home and just relax after that. It's kinda nice this appointment landed on that day. One less day that I have to go into work late.

(image from sunflowersandsearchinghearts.tumblr.com)

infertility blogs + ghost towns

 Q. Have you ever wondered what an infertility blog and a ghost town have in common?

A. For better or worse a majority of infertility blogs seem to be abandoned just like a ghost town after a few years.

You've probably noticed this yourself. I love it when I discover a new blog with a nice long list of other bloggers that they follow. Right now I'm a blogging junkie, I'm invested in all of the stories of my fellow bloggers and I like to hear how you're doing. I'm encouraged by the good news and I'm sad about the bad news.

I sometimes come across these blogs, usually they are from about two years ago where the blog itself and most of the links that they've posted have mysteriously stopped updating. Posts stop in June 2012 or November 2012.

I find it encouraging that many of these bloggers - probably over half have had success with building their families. They have moved on, but their blog is like an abandoned ghost town. There are all of these leftover posts that you can poke around in like the empty outbuildings of a ghost town.

Some of the posts are sad, some of them are haunting and all of them are filled with very moving life stories.

We found a circle of support here on the internet. We shared our stories and listened to the stories of others. We gave and we took and then we moved on.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. It makes me kind of sad. I don't know what I'd do without you girls. How do you move on from such a trying experience that completely changed who you are? How do you reintegrate back into the "real world?"

How do you leave the ghost town behind? I think it's always going to be a part of who I am. I'll never forget that there really are places like this and I'll understand part of what created them.

(image from flickr photo commons)

Lupron - day 5

Today I came home from work and ate the tops off all of the leftover cupcakes that I made last weekend. That was the only part that was still moist - and the cream cheese frosting is always my favorite part.

Thinking back now, I guess I was rewarding myself for five days of morning shots, but in the grand scheme of IVF shots Lupron isn't that big of a deal . . . needle-wise or pain-wise. I take my last birth control pill on Saturday. (I've claimed to be taking my last birth control pill several times over the last month - but this really is my last pill for this cycle.)

My first ultrasound and labs are this upcoming Wednesday and then if all is well we'll start stims a week from tomorrow. Things are going to start to move here. I've just been praying, constantly praying. We're about halfway through this protocol and I just keep telling myself "In three weeks we will be pregnant."

I feel a surge of positive emotion when I say that. I actually feel lighter, like I could float away.

I've been trying to push myself to think positively and visualize our baby. I hope this works and know that it can't possibly hurt. I've pulled out my meditation mat and I will be meditating each night before bed.

I just need to calm my mind and visualize my body as a safe place for a baby to grow and develop for nine months. Whatever comes will come, but hopefully the meditation and the positive thoughts will help us to contain either our joy or our sorrow at the end of this stage in our journey.

My husband is away at some training for the national guard, so I have the weekend to myself. I got a stack of books from the library and I intend to spend the weekend relaxing and being creative. 

Sending you all love and hope.

Jillian

first shot down + my husband

Well, we did our first Lupron shot this morning. It was anticlimactic. I'd looked at the bottle and held the syringe so many times over the past week and a half that it was a relief to flip off the little plastic top and jab myself in the belly.

I'm feeling good.

My husband and I have been having a good run of a few weeks where we've been really supportive and affectionate to one another. Boy, infertility can really pull a number on a marriage. I think that before we were struck with infertility my husband and I probably annoyed a few people with our happily married life. We met when we were thirty, got married at thirty-two and just flew into trying to start a family and planning our life together. We were so focused and on the same page.

Then all the pages seemed to disappear from our book because of infertility . . . no they got torn out by a tornado and I've been chasing them down ever since.

Our love for each other carried us through - that and God's grace. We could have just walked away a year ago when we knew things were going to get hard, but we didn't. We had to learn how to comfort one another and how to communicate. We had to grow up. It's been tough, I'm not going to lie, but I know my husband loves me and I know he wants a family more than anything. His support on the sperm donor showed me that. He treated me like a queen during those procedures and the two week wait. He wants us to be a family.

I don't think most guys would do that for their wives - people who know what we're doing have out and out said that they wouldn't do that. (But they are men who already have children.)

So anyhow . . . I've wanted to post a blog about this for a while - how hard infertility is on a marriage. I don't think I really knew my husband until we found ourselves at the bottom of this pit and he held me when I cried and he managed to make me laugh and I managed to make him laugh.

I'm really lucky.

pins + needles

The countdown is on for Monday to get here so that I can start my Lupron injections and take the next step on this IVF journey. I've been "X"ing off the days on the calendar to get to this point and now that only the weekend stands between me and the sharp end of a needle I'm very happy. (Only an infertile woman would say that.)

So, I'm ready for the next step, but I'm feeling pretty cautious and keeping my hopes in check.

I was reading through my blog roll after work and I saw Sara's sad news and I felt the wind go out of me. I wish we didn't have to go through this and I wish that once we finally saw those two perfect lines that we didn't have to experience that sadness of losing that hope. I am so sorry.

My husband and I will be sticking pretty close to each other and home this weekend. I'm going to be working on a little quilt. (Notice how I just call it a little quilt - I used to call these things baby quilts, but now I keep things in check.) We got a gate to keep our dog out the basement and we call it a "puppy gate" - even though everyone else would call it a "baby gate."

I hope you all have a good weekend. I can't thank you enough for the support you have given me, it means so much. I'm praying for everyone who's struggling with infertility - that we get an answer to our prayers and support through hard times.

XOXO

Jillian

self-reliance

"Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.

Accept the place that divine providence has found for you, 

the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

I didn't sleep last night.

When I got home from work there was an envelope with the birth announcement of my cousin's first baby. I never should have opened it, but I did. I sent my cousin a sweater for her little girl, so she wrote thanking me for it, then she wrote a little about our adoption. She said that she was praying for us and that she was sorry our facilitator's website had slowed down over the summer. 

I don't know if you'll buy this, but I didn't trust her words. I don't think she's been praying for us. This is the same cousin who knew she was pregnant last Thanksgiving and Christmas, but didn't say anything because my husband and I were attending the same events that she and her husband were attending. I actually sat next to her and described our hopes for adoption at one point . . . I wonder if she was uncomfortable? 

I grew up with this girl. We used to ask each other when we were going to start families - I know a VERY stupid question . . . but it hurt when I found out fourth hand after the new year that she was pregnant and had been pregnant all that time. 

But . . . before you click away from this post because you are so sick of me whining and complaining - I'm going to stop doing that right now. Like I said at the offset, last night I didn't sleep. I laid awake, at first thinking about my cousin's cheap words - she was right to say something along with the announcement of her baby, so I can't fault her for that. I just realized that I've been expecting these women to give me something - I don't know support . . . understanding . . . but they can't. 

It's impossible. So I should just stop resenting them. 

They are caught up in the flow of this life, just like I am - I'm just navigating rapids at this point. I laid there and I thought of all my hurts and all of my anger and all of my fears - all of it. It was overwhelming. I thought about what I know about God and what He might be working with my life right now. I'm not sorry for this struggle - though I do want it to be over - because I have learned so much about myself. So much about all of the assumptions I had before this misadventure started. Life isn't easy and my life is easier than most. My husband and I are so lucky that we can even consider something like IVF.

The truth is, all of those women - my MIL, SILs, cousins and friends don't really owe me anything. I have been so disappointed in their silence. I was a fat little tick that had feed off the blood of a lucky life and positive social group for so long that I just didn't know what to do when everyone got uncomfortable and scared and walked away. I think I really assumed my life would keep being easy and that I would always get what I wanted. 

I never EVER dreamed I would struggle with infertility - but it's here. 

I need to cultivate self-reliance. I'm struggling with the fact that I still feel that some of my struggles should be acknowledged by the people who play important roles in my life, but I will probably never be satisfied with their words. 

At about 4 am, my husband rolled over and hugged me, because he could tell that I was laying there awake. We talked until 5:30 am about what I was feeling. I just spilled my guts and cried a little. We were trying to find a way to describe to each other about how we were feeling and my husband said:

"Think what it would be like if one of our friends got his leg blown off in a tragic accident. You would say: "I'm so sorry about your leg." 

And I said that I would try to really think about what it would be like to lose a leg, really try to walk in that person's shoes.

But then my husband said: "Yah, but you would never, ever really know what it's like for that person. Never."

I agreed.

"You might say some stupid things to that person, but with good intentions." He said.

Well maybe . . . probably . . . 

So I have to live with people's good intentions and their poor intentions and their bad intentions. I need to rely on myself more - and God. I'm always looking for an escape. Anger is a good one. When I'm angry and self-righteous at someone else I feel more in control. Let me tell you how so and so is just such a terrible person - they are even more terrible then me, an infertile woman. 

Hah. The logic doesn't hold. 

So, no more trying to escape. I've just got to live this. No one is really going to understand, except someone who had been through it. I need to stop being so needy. God will provide - or He won't, but I will have to get through it, because there are no other options. 

God, if you're not going to answer my specific prayers, surprise me with something wonderful that is more than I could ever imagine. You do those things all the time, right?

I hope I can sleep better tonight. 

All of these words look so good on the page . . . but they aren't very much help in the middle of the night when the house is so silent (no baby crying in her crib) that your can hear your heart breaking. 

meds and a wedding with the in-laws

themetapicture.com

 My meds arrived on Wednesday. I had them delivered to my office and I had to sit with them under my desk while I worked all day. All I really wanted to do was tear them open and research how to get everything started - instead of working. Carrying the boxes back to my car was a bit of a haul, but I made it home safely and then my husband and I opened everything up.

Follistim
Menopur
Lupron
Diazepam
Doxycycline
Novarel

I had some Crinone stashed from our previous IUI cycles - enough for this IVF cycle - so we didn't have to order that and it saved us around a grand on our meds. The final total was around $2,400.00. Remember about three weeks ago when I was excited to discover we had some drug coverage? Well our insurance covered everything except the Follistim and the Menopur - we even got those drugs at a discount through our pharmacy - so we're pretty grateful. We know there are some people out there who are paying for medications like this a monthly basis for other chronic health conditions and we pray that we don't have to use these drugs for long.

In other news we went to a wedding on my husband's side of the family yesterday. All you need to know is that I was stuck in a hotel over-night with my M-I-L and S-I-Ls. We decided not to tell them our room number, though I don't think they would have bothered us anyway. Everyone was civil and chatty. A few glasses of red wine helped out a lot for me. My S-I-Ls were up to the same old shenanigans - what can only be described a binge drinking. One had a bottle of vodka in her purse that she was talking pulls off all night - that was with all the free white wine she could drink from the open bar. They get on my nerves, so perhaps I spend too much time focusing on their negative habits. But you seriously shouldn't drink that much when you have a baby to take care of - especially when you have two DWIs under your belt.

I usually leave family events with my in-laws shocked at the amount of alcohol consumed and also shocked that the individuals drinking are allowed to get in their cars and drive home.

My mother and father-in-law paid for everyone's room but ours. I didn't say anything. I didn't even complain to my husband. We don't need their free hand-outs - they don't know that we're doing IVF - but this year alone we have paid out over 20 thousand dollars in adoption and infertility treatment fees. It's better that we're working for everything ourselves, but I felt the sting of that.

Anyway, the wedding is behind us. I was dreading it - and it went well. No big scene with my in-laws. Now the only thing that I can obsess and worry about is our upcoming IVF cycle. One more week until we start our Lupron injections. Four weeks until our transfer.

I've been off coffee and wine - except for a few occasions (last night being one of them) but now I'm really going to stay on the straight and narrow path of good food, rest, acupuncture and hopeful, positive thoughts.

Sorry for complaining so much about my in-laws everyone, but hopefully I can leave my negativity here and move on with happier thoughts.

Jillian

12 baby sweaters (and silence)

I've been knitting baby sweaters for a while now. Before I realized that I would be struggling with infertility it was always a joy for me to knit a baby sweater for my sister, cousin or friend that was pregnant. I've cast a tidy number off my knitting needles these past five years. I'm showing twelve here, but the real number is probably around twenty.

I've thought a lot about infertility - specifically about what makes is so painful. (Haven't we all, right?) I finally articulated something in my mind today that I wanted to write down - just to get it out there.

When I was knitting these baby sweaters for the women in my life I was taking part in the society of women in my world. I don't think you can recognize that code and conduct of a society or social group until you are for some reason on the outside of it - as I am now. When I was knitting these sweaters I was filled with hope and excitement - in part because I like to make something pretty and useful - but also because I was riding on the hope and confidence that someday it would be my turn - to receive a baby sweater for my child. Soon it would be my turn to have other women be hopeful and excited for me.

That hasn't happened.

Most of the important women in my life, my mom, mother-in-law, sister, sisters-in-law, cousins and female relatives and friends know that my husband and I are struggling with infertility. They are - so far - all fertile. I have knit something for every one of them that has had a child.

Everyone - except my sister and closest cousin - have remained silent about my struggle with infertility. Some people think that commenting on our ongoing quest to adopt is a way of broaching that topic - and even though an adopted child would be great - that's not acknowledging the pain I've experienced with our infertility.

This sucks for me.

I feel very cheated and let down that the society of women in my world is so brittle and weak that it's not robust enough to also contain my infertility.  How hard can if be to acknowledge my struggle on a private and sincere level? It should be something that we teach our daughters. This is important and painful to some people and it needs to be acknowledged. Who can teach them this?

Me? At this point all the women in my life pity me and think I'm a crazy B-I-T-C-H.

I don't expect acknowledgement from everyone - that would be too much. But from someone? Anyone?

Today I found out at work that one of my cousins and his wife had their third child. They named their son the same name as my husband. They excluded us from their email announcement about the birth of their son.

I was (and am) devastated. (Though that is fading fast.) I knit their first child a baby sweater by the way - the purple and blue striped one.

This whole infertility thing could make me into a really bitter person - if I let it. I'm really trying not to let it. I may stop knitting baby sweaters for other women though.

IVF # 1 - waiting and hoping

Waiting has been my theme these past few months as we gear up for our first IVF cycle. We signed our contract this past Wednesday, reviewed our protocol, and our clinic called in our prescriptions. Our clinic runs its IVF cycle two weeks out of each month. Guess when August's protocol starts? You probably guessed it - the last two weeks of the month.

So we're waiting AGAIN to get our protocol started. Ug.

I'm glad I have these two weeks though, because I found out that our clinic called our meds into a pharmacy in Arizona. (We live in Minnesota.) Not sure what's going on there, but I have to wait to sort things out until Monday. Maybe they found me some better prices down in Arizona. I'm trying to be positive here because I'm not too impressed with how my clinic has handled this part of the process. I'm not someone who needs her hand held, but I am someone who would like to know all the facts, doses, fees, etc.

The IVF coordinator said that she would email me on Thursday a list of instructions and that list has not arrived. I would just like some follow through. Don't say you're going to send something and not send it.

Luckily I am very impressed and confident with the lab people and my doctor at our clinic - those are the real miracle workers. I guess I can handle a few email and prescription glitches. We are not down to the wire yet.

I was talking to my sister on the phone last night and I told her how much this first IVF cycle would be costing us - we're guessing around 11 to 12 thousand dollars and she said:

"It's that much for one? I thought is was that much for three?" Then she said: "So you could spend 36 thousand dollars trying to have a baby?"

I wanted to scream "duh! Duh! Duh!" But I just stayed calm and confirmed her estimate. When I got off the phone with her I was kinda depressed. Even the closest people to us have no comprehension about the emotional and financial costs of these treatments.

And is may not even work . . .

Believe me, I haven't been all doom and gloom this week. I've been pretty positive. I've even been dreaming that we are pregnant. I had two dreams this week that I was pregnant. In one of the dreams I was pregnant with twins. In the other I was holding our baby. I think this is good news. I think my subconscious is finally starting to believe that we will be parents.

Every day I just say to myself: "IVF works." Because it does. And whenever I say that I feel a surge of positive energy course through my system.

I had my annual exam this week and my doctor was also very positive about IVF. She said: "You're going to get pregnant." Two years ago I would have been nodding my head and smug, at that moment I was quietly subdued and hopeful.

I won't count my chicks until they've hatched, but I will hope and pray with all my heart for them.

Sending love:

Jillian

fertility salsa

I've been doing everything that I can lately to increase my odds of success for our upcoming IVF. As far as I can tell the only things I can really do are take special care with my diet and focus on keeping a positive attitude and letting go of all of my stress.

Easier said than done, right?

So, one of the ways that I've always combated stress is cooking. Here's a recipe for a fun, fresh salsa that will also boost your fertility.

Fertility Salsa

1 can organic black beans
1 can organic corn
1 jalapeno pepper - de-seeded and minced very small
1 avocado - diced
1 bunch of green onions - minced very small
2 cloves garlic - minced
a few tomatoes - I only had one that I harvested from my garden

Chop all veggies and mix together in large bowl. Then drizzle 3 tablespoons of olive oil, 1 teaspoon cumin and salt and pepper over the mixture and combine. I didn't have any limes, but the juice from one lime also adds some zip to this salsa.

Watch this video to get some other ideas on fertility super foods. I found it to be very helpful.

Talk you later:

Jillian

P. S.  I changed the comment settings on this blog, so hopefully that will allow some of you who haven't been able to post comments to share! Thanks!

P. S. S. I talked to our insurance provider today and it looks like they will be covering a majority of our IVF medications - if this turns out to be the case we've just received a major blessing. We will still be paying out of pocket for the procedure, but having to pay a co-pay for the meds would be wonderful. I'll have to call back to our insurance company again in a few days and talk to a different rep and see if they give me the same cost estimates. Nothing's final until you get the bill . . .

counting down the days

This is what July has been for me - Xs on a calendar.

I know it's sad, but the best part of every day for me has been the moment each evening when I take my birth control pill and X another day off. We're getting closer and closer to the 30th which is when we sign our consent forms and begin our protocol.

There have been other things going on. Some deadlines at work, a trip up to the farm for a family gathering and bonfire. I've been keeping my weekly acupuncture appointment and I even read a book this weekend: The Fault In Our Stars.  Which I found to be just depressing, but I couldn't stop reading it because I had to see what happened to the characters. I won't be seeing the movie. Wrapping up The Ocean at the End of the Lane, by Neil Gaimin - as well. I even sewed some buttons on a baby sweater for one of the women in my book club.

So I've been doing more than marking off days . . . but right now my life feels pretty hollow.

Trying to fill that large gap with hope.

Talk to you soon!

Jill

practice transfer and sono (IVF #1)

Well, I made it through today.

My uterus feels like a punching bag, but I'm not going to complain. The results of my sonohysterogram were clear and good. I have a tilted uterus (like my mother and my twin sister) so the doctor had a difficult time positioning the ultrasound wand to get a clear shot. I barely felt the practice transfer. It was kinda a let down after the build-up in my mind.

I was dreading this appointment because with our luck I thought something will show up on the sono that will impede our forward progress. We are finally, slowly, day-by-daily inching forward.

Now my good doctor goes on vacation for two weeks and then WE CAN START.

Some good news is that we saw an egg follicle on my left ovary. Even though I'm on birth control (Emoquette) it looks like I will be ovulating. My doctor said that this is quite common for this type of birth control since they have such low hormone levels. I was elated with that news (but I'm an infertile) I think I would have panicked if I would have been someone who wasn't trying desperately to have a child.

So . . . I should ovulate in a few days.

One more shot the dark to do this naturally. Could be our lucky month.

Don't worry I'm not holding my breath . . . but sometimes fate is a weird sort of fairy-godmother.

Outside of those crazy musings, I've started to stockpile Crinone and begun the calls to the insurance company to inquire about drug coverage. We are not expecting any coverage so any sort of savings would be a windfall.

Well there have been a lot of BFPs in my blog roll this month. So happy for all of you new mommies and I hope I can join your ranks soon.

Peace out.

keeping it together

I made it through the family gathering. It was better (but also more terrible) than I thought it would be. On the surface everything went fine. There were two infants there - one a nephew and the other a cousin - both were born during the time that my husband and I have been trying. It was just bittersweet to look at them. 

If things would have worked out differently . . .

My sister-in-law was there (with the nephew). It was difficult to see her - though I tried not to show it. Two years ago we were gabbing all about how we wanted to start families and, well, hers started and ours didn't.

She never said one word to me about my infertility. She just ignored me.

I was (and still am) very hurt by her behavior. She did explain self-righteously after I asked that she felt it wasn't her place to comment on our infertility, that it should be personal and private. It was so hard last summer being a despairing wall-flower during her pregnancy. Always asking her how she was doing while she pointedly ignored our struggles.

I just don't think her behavior was right, but she feels justified and this entire situation with my husband's family has turned into a nightmare.

I guess I was raised to try to comfort and help people. If I knew someone was suffering I would try to help them. I feel bad about the times that I know I've said insensitive things to people in the past. I know I probably say a dozen insensitive things every day. But if I know someone is struggling I try to help them. And I don't like seeing other people slighting them.

Infertility is hard. I think most pregnant people would wish to see their infertile friends get pregnant, but you just can't order that sort of thing up.

There have been other women who have reached out to me and said kind things - just not my in-laws. Anyway, it's hard to go to family get-togethers and watch my sister-in-law bouncing her baby around. She has no idea how gutted she would feel that baby was just a hopeful dream that kept slipping out of her reach and someone else was smugly jiggling their baby in her face while giving her a pitying look.

I'm going to avoid family gatherings for a while. I went to this last one because I felt like I had something to prove, but when I came home there still was no baby and I don't think I proved anything to anyone.

family gatherings

Before infertility I enjoyed hanging around with my husband's family and friends. Looking back I have to admit that part of my enjoyment rested in a steady belief that soon we would be the smug parents of a growing family. Soon I would be a busy mother chasing her toddler around the room to the humorous comments of observing grandparents and aunties and uncles.

But our infertility has put a stop to that.

It's hard to keep going to family gatherings and say hello to some of my husband's cousin's wives who are on their third and fourth children. They just don't comprehend our situation.

We have a gathering that we can't avoid next week. A cousin is visiting from Ireland. She has an infant who is the same age as our nephew. I'm sure my sister-in-law and her husband with be there with said nephew. The talk will probably be all about babies and I will find myself in the backyard doing a poor job of hiding out with the host's poodle.

I don't want to go - but it can't be avoided. Everyone will know why I wasn't there. That I couldn't take it.

They have no idea how hard it is to attend family gatherings and put on a happy face.

I'm counting down the days of our IVF cycle. I hope that this doesn't end in more pain and despair. I know I can't place my hope and faith that this cycle will work . . . if I do that I will end up more hurt than ever.

I have some modest hope that it will work. (That hope is so strong, but it's tempered with experience.)

Will having a baby and being a mother make attending family gatherings easier? Will I ever forget how people slighted and ignored us during this difficult time? Will I come out a bigger and better person?

I hope so.

day 3 labs

Day three labs were normal.

Finally, I can let go of this crazy anxiety that I've been carrying around that I'd messed up my body beyond repair. I think it was time and acupuncture that brought me back around.

Thank you for this blessing. Is what I whispered after I got off the phone with the nurse from the clinic. We still have several appointments to go before we can start injections, but tonight I will start on the birth control pill.

I suppose you have all felt the irony of that. Two years ago my husband and I were whispering together before bedtime, plotting when we should get off the pill. We actually delayed a few months - because if we got pregnant that first month I would have been due to have the baby during my husband's annual training. That wasn't a stretch in my imagination - my twin got pregnant her first month of trying three years ago.

Happy fools.

But I do wish we could go back to that place. That giddy excitement and relaxation that comes with the expectation that life is going to go exactly as you have planned. This last year and a half has been a roller coaster of tears and emotional agony. Very few people have been able to relate to our struggle . . .

Day three labs were normal.

I'll take it.

cycle day 1 (IVF #1)

Day 1 and counting . . . I've scheduled my labs for Day 3 this upcoming Wednesday. All I can do now is hope and pray that everything is normal. I'm more than ready to start this next phase of treatments. My husband and I were at an info session for IVF at our clinic last month and the nurse asked a woman seated next to her husband when she hoped to start IVF treatment.

"Yesterday." The woman answered.

I think every woman (and man) in that room felt the same way. Why didn't we start this yesterday?

No time for regrets now I know as we move forward. Trying to stay hopeful - as well as keep my feet firmly planted beneath me. There are so many things that could go wrong. So many disappointments.

It's all the things that will go right - all of the JOYS - that are keeping me going. 

waiting for auntie

Waiting for AF today . . . or hints that she's on her way . . . tomorrow really is more likely. I'm only on cycle day 27, but usually I start spotting and cramping at around this time. Could be that the acupuncture I've been pursuing on a weekly basis is finally bringing my hormones back in line and I'll start my period with none of the familiar spotting that I've been used to in recent years.

I just want to get to cycle day one!

Looking back now I wish I had never done that clomid cycle in May - it really messed me up and now we're still waiting to start . . . waiting to start everything! I've been pretty patient, because I feel that it was my choice to do the last cycle and therefore my fault for the resulting cysts and hormonal f**k up. But now, please body, please please come back to center.

My husband is home from his training and we've spent the weekend in bed. (I wish we could pull up that kind of enthusiasm in the middle of my cycle instead of at the end - but it is nice to snuggle and cuddle with my husband when we're not trying to make a baby.) Less stress, more bonding.

We'll need that for the days ahead. Yesterday we walked to a coffee shop and sat for hours talking about our next steps and our families. We've had struggles with both sides during these 2 infertile years that we've been through together.

We are basically at the point where we rarely see his side of the family, because of some pretty brutal and inconsiderate comments made by his mom and sister, as well as some brutal gossiping done by his mother to the entire family regarding our infertility treatments.

Boy, people are so clueless and self-righteous when they haven't had to struggle with infertility. So full of condescending advice. My husband and I really struggled this past fall with infertility and his mother took that as a sign to attack our marriage and our faith and whether or not we were good enough people to even raise children.

That pissed me off.

She had the nerve to tell me that children are not the most important thing. She even boldly claims that she could have lived without children, though I don't know what she would be doing with her time if she couldn't interfere and gossip about the lives of her four children. My mother-in-law (MILly) is a work of pure art. She truly thinks we should be treating our infertility with herbs and prayer.

To each their own. If you are reading this blog and that is your treatment choice and you are at peace with that, I respect your right to make that choice and wish you all the best of luck. I know babies are a gift from God, so are advanced medical treatments. My husband and I are going to need them in order to conceive.

We just need to get to cycle day one - with steady day three labs.

We have some family events that are coming up on my husband's side and I'm carefully preparing myself and my husband. We are trying to create a support system of communication and awareness so that we can survive these stressful encounters. My husband is so used to his mother's manipulative ways that they don't annoy him like they do me.

One of the most important things in my life now is becoming a mother, I just keep telling myself to ignore any background noise that will cause me stress and to listen to my heart and be guided by my faith.

hidden daggers

What sucks the most about infertility is having opposite reactions to what in normal circumstances would be good news. What sucks is instead of feeling happy for another woman's pregnancy all I feel is depression and anxiety.

Will I ever be pregnant?

Today a co-worker came over to my desk to chat. She recently returned from maternity leave and has been supportive of me when I told her about our struggles with infertility last fall. Back in October she sent me an email telling me how hard she knew this was for me and how good of a mom she thought I would be when our baby finally arrived.

So...it's very important for me that I remain on good terms with this woman, because I know her heart is in the right place. When I talk to her I ask about her kids and family and she sometimes asks about our adoption. Today she wanted to tell me about a trip that she has planned to Hawaii to visit her sister. I remembered that her sister had been married last August.

I knew what was coming next - the other shoe would drop.

She finally said that the reason she's going to Hawaii is that her sister is pregnant and due soon and she wants to help out. This is great news, but I wanted to just crawl under my desk and curl into a ball and rock until the work day was over.

This story is so normal and great . . . but it made me feel like shit.

I got through it okay. Wished her well and told her to have fun. I'm hoping that there will come a time when I can share stories about my kids with this woman. I can't burn all of my bridges with the real world just because I'm struggling with infertility.

I wish I lived in Hawaii. I wish I was pregnant. I hope we can get there.

I want to be normal. I just want to feel happy again.

raise your smoothies in a toast!

It's so good to hear good news! Today one of my fellow bloggers announced that she was pregnant after her first IVF. (You can find her near the top of my blog roll.) That's so great. I truly wish her a healthy and safe pregnancy and I can't wait to follow along through her blog. You girls (and guys) keep me going.

I've never come across a more positive and problem-solving inventive group of people in my life. Yes, I'm standing by positive as a description of the IF community, because even though we do get knocked down - even though we have some legit things to gripe about - many of us find ways to cope and stagger back to our feet. Every time one of you stumbles and pulls yourself back up and returns to the blogger-sphere to tell your story it gives me courage to keep going.

Of course I wish it was me who got to post a BFP . . . I know my day will come. It's either a BFP or a call from our facilitator saying they have a match with a birth mother for us.

I had to readjust my expectations this afternoon after I got off the phone with our clinic. It looks like the earliest time we can schedule our egg retrieval and fertilization is early September. Darn, in my head I was like: "We are doing IVF this summer." September feels so far away. I'm just gonna roll with it. September is a good month. It's gonna be our month.

Back to the main reason for this post - some infertility recipe goodness.

Cinnamon Avocado Smoothie

1 Banana 

1 Avocado

1 cup coconut milk

1/4 cup organic ground flaxseed

1/2 t. organic cinnamon

Whip it up and serve!

So, we've probably all heard how good avocados are for preparing for IVF, but my research also shows how beneficial ground flaxseed and cinnamon are - just for everyone. Watch how much cinnamon you consume, though - there is a daily limit. 

I'm not a doctor or anything - I'm just trying to find ways to improve my health and increase the odds that our fertility treatments will work. I would love your feedback and suggestions for ways to boost my diet to improve my fertility. 

Happy Monday Y'all!

holiday

I know Dr.'s need vacations too. Mine is taking his for two weeks in the middle of July - the hard thing about this is that this is the same time that my first IVF cycle is scheduled to start. Let me make this clear, the clinic hasn't scheduled me in yet, that's just when I wanted to get the ball rolling on this next phase of our baby-making journey. The past few months have been agonizing hell for me as I've been waiting for my body to "return to normal" after our 6th and final failed IUI cycle. My hormones seem to be settling down, if all goes well my period should arrive on Saturday or Sunday.

Ha ha ha. Yes I am laughing at myself, because I know how things that we expect to happen don't happen the way we want them to when we are traveling down the road of infertility. Usually my period is very regular, I hope it doesn't fail me in seven days.

I also have to jump through several other hoops before we can start this cycle. I have to have good day 3 labs and I have to have a clear sono. These seem like big things to me now. Last year my attitude would have been "I'm sure everything will be great on me." Now my attitude is "okay, what are we dealing with now, and how much further am I from a positive pregnancy test?"

The journey if infertility has turned me into a different person. 

My days feel so blah. Here it is already almost July. The 4th used to be a really fun holiday for me, but now I don't really care. All I care about is when my name gets slotted on my IVF clinic's calendar and when I can start taking the meds. I know one of the main things that women say when they look back on their struggle with infertility is that they wish they hadn't stress so much, that they had enjoyed the beautiful moments in front of them, but I just can't. I just can't.

I'm sorry that I can't.

This holiday means nothing to me if I can't celebrate it one day with a child. I feel like I'm being childish, that I should just get over it, but again I can't. I am going to have a good day on the 4th. My husband will be home, I'm sure we'll do something fun and distracting. But I'm focused on one thing here - for better or worse.

Hopefully for the better.