baby board

Hoping for the best. Praying for God's blessing. Trying to find peace in this journey.

I made this collage last weekend from a bunch of old magazines. I love to make collages. For this one I focused on all of my baby-making hopes for the immediate future and the years ahead. This bulletin board is on the wall beside the table where I've set up my med injection kit. I take my shots in the morning and at night and then imagine myself into the place where all of these images live.

Stim shots are going good. But I'm a bit worried that they didn't give me enough Follistim. Right now I'm on 200 IU dose and I only have 1300 IUs left in the fridge. I will have to ask at my next appointment - which is Labor Day.

Hope everyone has a good holiday.

stims start friday

 
I had my baseline ultrasound and labs today. The nurse didn't call my back to change our plan of action so my next step is to start stim medication on Friday. We have a family event that night so I plan on sticking my follistim pen into my purse and injecting myself in the bathroom. I hope this works out. It will be my first time giving myself that particular shot, but I've been through training for it twice and watched like a hundred videos online.

The nurse did say she say a tiny cyst on my right ovary, but not to worry about it. I guess my doctor wasn't worried about it because no one called. I'm feeling pretty low key right now. Part of my brain is thinking "you should be freaking out, there's so much stuff you have to keep track of!" But I don't think I should freak out about this any more than necessary.

I'll save my freak out for some good news at the end of this journey.

So, that's all I have to up date. I have to go in again on Monday, which is Labor Day. It's actually the only day out of this entire weekend that my husband and I are not doing something. The appointment is in the morning, so I intend to come home and just relax after that. It's kinda nice this appointment landed on that day. One less day that I have to go into work late.

(image from sunflowersandsearchinghearts.tumblr.com)

infertility blogs + ghost towns

 Q. Have you ever wondered what an infertility blog and a ghost town have in common?

A. For better or worse a majority of infertility blogs seem to be abandoned just like a ghost town after a few years.

You've probably noticed this yourself. I love it when I discover a new blog with a nice long list of other bloggers that they follow. Right now I'm a blogging junkie, I'm invested in all of the stories of my fellow bloggers and I like to hear how you're doing. I'm encouraged by the good news and I'm sad about the bad news.

I sometimes come across these blogs, usually they are from about two years ago where the blog itself and most of the links that they've posted have mysteriously stopped updating. Posts stop in June 2012 or November 2012.

I find it encouraging that many of these bloggers - probably over half have had success with building their families. They have moved on, but their blog is like an abandoned ghost town. There are all of these leftover posts that you can poke around in like the empty outbuildings of a ghost town.

Some of the posts are sad, some of them are haunting and all of them are filled with very moving life stories.

We found a circle of support here on the internet. We shared our stories and listened to the stories of others. We gave and we took and then we moved on.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. It makes me kind of sad. I don't know what I'd do without you girls. How do you move on from such a trying experience that completely changed who you are? How do you reintegrate back into the "real world?"

How do you leave the ghost town behind? I think it's always going to be a part of who I am. I'll never forget that there really are places like this and I'll understand part of what created them.

(image from flickr photo commons)

Lupron - day 5

Today I came home from work and ate the tops off all of the leftover cupcakes that I made last weekend. That was the only part that was still moist - and the cream cheese frosting is always my favorite part.

Thinking back now, I guess I was rewarding myself for five days of morning shots, but in the grand scheme of IVF shots Lupron isn't that big of a deal . . . needle-wise or pain-wise. I take my last birth control pill on Saturday. (I've claimed to be taking my last birth control pill several times over the last month - but this really is my last pill for this cycle.)

My first ultrasound and labs are this upcoming Wednesday and then if all is well we'll start stims a week from tomorrow. Things are going to start to move here. I've just been praying, constantly praying. We're about halfway through this protocol and I just keep telling myself "In three weeks we will be pregnant."

I feel a surge of positive emotion when I say that. I actually feel lighter, like I could float away.

I've been trying to push myself to think positively and visualize our baby. I hope this works and know that it can't possibly hurt. I've pulled out my meditation mat and I will be meditating each night before bed.

I just need to calm my mind and visualize my body as a safe place for a baby to grow and develop for nine months. Whatever comes will come, but hopefully the meditation and the positive thoughts will help us to contain either our joy or our sorrow at the end of this stage in our journey.

My husband is away at some training for the national guard, so I have the weekend to myself. I got a stack of books from the library and I intend to spend the weekend relaxing and being creative. 

Sending you all love and hope.

Jillian

first shot down + my husband

Well, we did our first Lupron shot this morning. It was anticlimactic. I'd looked at the bottle and held the syringe so many times over the past week and a half that it was a relief to flip off the little plastic top and jab myself in the belly.

I'm feeling good.

My husband and I have been having a good run of a few weeks where we've been really supportive and affectionate to one another. Boy, infertility can really pull a number on a marriage. I think that before we were struck with infertility my husband and I probably annoyed a few people with our happily married life. We met when we were thirty, got married at thirty-two and just flew into trying to start a family and planning our life together. We were so focused and on the same page.

Then all the pages seemed to disappear from our book because of infertility . . . no they got torn out by a tornado and I've been chasing them down ever since.

Our love for each other carried us through - that and God's grace. We could have just walked away a year ago when we knew things were going to get hard, but we didn't. We had to learn how to comfort one another and how to communicate. We had to grow up. It's been tough, I'm not going to lie, but I know my husband loves me and I know he wants a family more than anything. His support on the sperm donor showed me that. He treated me like a queen during those procedures and the two week wait. He wants us to be a family.

I don't think most guys would do that for their wives - people who know what we're doing have out and out said that they wouldn't do that. (But they are men who already have children.)

So anyhow . . . I've wanted to post a blog about this for a while - how hard infertility is on a marriage. I don't think I really knew my husband until we found ourselves at the bottom of this pit and he held me when I cried and he managed to make me laugh and I managed to make him laugh.

I'm really lucky.

pins + needles

The countdown is on for Monday to get here so that I can start my Lupron injections and take the next step on this IVF journey. I've been "X"ing off the days on the calendar to get to this point and now that only the weekend stands between me and the sharp end of a needle I'm very happy. (Only an infertile woman would say that.)

So, I'm ready for the next step, but I'm feeling pretty cautious and keeping my hopes in check.

I was reading through my blog roll after work and I saw Sara's sad news and I felt the wind go out of me. I wish we didn't have to go through this and I wish that once we finally saw those two perfect lines that we didn't have to experience that sadness of losing that hope. I am so sorry.

My husband and I will be sticking pretty close to each other and home this weekend. I'm going to be working on a little quilt. (Notice how I just call it a little quilt - I used to call these things baby quilts, but now I keep things in check.) We got a gate to keep our dog out the basement and we call it a "puppy gate" - even though everyone else would call it a "baby gate."

I hope you all have a good weekend. I can't thank you enough for the support you have given me, it means so much. I'm praying for everyone who's struggling with infertility - that we get an answer to our prayers and support through hard times.

XOXO

Jillian

self-reliance

"Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.

Accept the place that divine providence has found for you, 

the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

I didn't sleep last night.

When I got home from work there was an envelope with the birth announcement of my cousin's first baby. I never should have opened it, but I did. I sent my cousin a sweater for her little girl, so she wrote thanking me for it, then she wrote a little about our adoption. She said that she was praying for us and that she was sorry our facilitator's website had slowed down over the summer. 

I don't know if you'll buy this, but I didn't trust her words. I don't think she's been praying for us. This is the same cousin who knew she was pregnant last Thanksgiving and Christmas, but didn't say anything because my husband and I were attending the same events that she and her husband were attending. I actually sat next to her and described our hopes for adoption at one point . . . I wonder if she was uncomfortable? 

I grew up with this girl. We used to ask each other when we were going to start families - I know a VERY stupid question . . . but it hurt when I found out fourth hand after the new year that she was pregnant and had been pregnant all that time. 

But . . . before you click away from this post because you are so sick of me whining and complaining - I'm going to stop doing that right now. Like I said at the offset, last night I didn't sleep. I laid awake, at first thinking about my cousin's cheap words - she was right to say something along with the announcement of her baby, so I can't fault her for that. I just realized that I've been expecting these women to give me something - I don't know support . . . understanding . . . but they can't. 

It's impossible. So I should just stop resenting them. 

They are caught up in the flow of this life, just like I am - I'm just navigating rapids at this point. I laid there and I thought of all my hurts and all of my anger and all of my fears - all of it. It was overwhelming. I thought about what I know about God and what He might be working with my life right now. I'm not sorry for this struggle - though I do want it to be over - because I have learned so much about myself. So much about all of the assumptions I had before this misadventure started. Life isn't easy and my life is easier than most. My husband and I are so lucky that we can even consider something like IVF.

The truth is, all of those women - my MIL, SILs, cousins and friends don't really owe me anything. I have been so disappointed in their silence. I was a fat little tick that had feed off the blood of a lucky life and positive social group for so long that I just didn't know what to do when everyone got uncomfortable and scared and walked away. I think I really assumed my life would keep being easy and that I would always get what I wanted. 

I never EVER dreamed I would struggle with infertility - but it's here. 

I need to cultivate self-reliance. I'm struggling with the fact that I still feel that some of my struggles should be acknowledged by the people who play important roles in my life, but I will probably never be satisfied with their words. 

At about 4 am, my husband rolled over and hugged me, because he could tell that I was laying there awake. We talked until 5:30 am about what I was feeling. I just spilled my guts and cried a little. We were trying to find a way to describe to each other about how we were feeling and my husband said:

"Think what it would be like if one of our friends got his leg blown off in a tragic accident. You would say: "I'm so sorry about your leg." 

And I said that I would try to really think about what it would be like to lose a leg, really try to walk in that person's shoes.

But then my husband said: "Yah, but you would never, ever really know what it's like for that person. Never."

I agreed.

"You might say some stupid things to that person, but with good intentions." He said.

Well maybe . . . probably . . . 

So I have to live with people's good intentions and their poor intentions and their bad intentions. I need to rely on myself more - and God. I'm always looking for an escape. Anger is a good one. When I'm angry and self-righteous at someone else I feel more in control. Let me tell you how so and so is just such a terrible person - they are even more terrible then me, an infertile woman. 

Hah. The logic doesn't hold. 

So, no more trying to escape. I've just got to live this. No one is really going to understand, except someone who had been through it. I need to stop being so needy. God will provide - or He won't, but I will have to get through it, because there are no other options. 

God, if you're not going to answer my specific prayers, surprise me with something wonderful that is more than I could ever imagine. You do those things all the time, right?

I hope I can sleep better tonight. 

All of these words look so good on the page . . . but they aren't very much help in the middle of the night when the house is so silent (no baby crying in her crib) that your can hear your heart breaking. 

meds and a wedding with the in-laws

themetapicture.com

 My meds arrived on Wednesday. I had them delivered to my office and I had to sit with them under my desk while I worked all day. All I really wanted to do was tear them open and research how to get everything started - instead of working. Carrying the boxes back to my car was a bit of a haul, but I made it home safely and then my husband and I opened everything up.

Follistim
Menopur
Lupron
Diazepam
Doxycycline
Novarel

I had some Crinone stashed from our previous IUI cycles - enough for this IVF cycle - so we didn't have to order that and it saved us around a grand on our meds. The final total was around $2,400.00. Remember about three weeks ago when I was excited to discover we had some drug coverage? Well our insurance covered everything except the Follistim and the Menopur - we even got those drugs at a discount through our pharmacy - so we're pretty grateful. We know there are some people out there who are paying for medications like this a monthly basis for other chronic health conditions and we pray that we don't have to use these drugs for long.

In other news we went to a wedding on my husband's side of the family yesterday. All you need to know is that I was stuck in a hotel over-night with my M-I-L and S-I-Ls. We decided not to tell them our room number, though I don't think they would have bothered us anyway. Everyone was civil and chatty. A few glasses of red wine helped out a lot for me. My S-I-Ls were up to the same old shenanigans - what can only be described a binge drinking. One had a bottle of vodka in her purse that she was talking pulls off all night - that was with all the free white wine she could drink from the open bar. They get on my nerves, so perhaps I spend too much time focusing on their negative habits. But you seriously shouldn't drink that much when you have a baby to take care of - especially when you have two DWIs under your belt.

I usually leave family events with my in-laws shocked at the amount of alcohol consumed and also shocked that the individuals drinking are allowed to get in their cars and drive home.

My mother and father-in-law paid for everyone's room but ours. I didn't say anything. I didn't even complain to my husband. We don't need their free hand-outs - they don't know that we're doing IVF - but this year alone we have paid out over 20 thousand dollars in adoption and infertility treatment fees. It's better that we're working for everything ourselves, but I felt the sting of that.

Anyway, the wedding is behind us. I was dreading it - and it went well. No big scene with my in-laws. Now the only thing that I can obsess and worry about is our upcoming IVF cycle. One more week until we start our Lupron injections. Four weeks until our transfer.

I've been off coffee and wine - except for a few occasions (last night being one of them) but now I'm really going to stay on the straight and narrow path of good food, rest, acupuncture and hopeful, positive thoughts.

Sorry for complaining so much about my in-laws everyone, but hopefully I can leave my negativity here and move on with happier thoughts.

Jillian

12 baby sweaters (and silence)

I've been knitting baby sweaters for a while now. Before I realized that I would be struggling with infertility it was always a joy for me to knit a baby sweater for my sister, cousin or friend that was pregnant. I've cast a tidy number off my knitting needles these past five years. I'm showing twelve here, but the real number is probably around twenty.

I've thought a lot about infertility - specifically about what makes is so painful. (Haven't we all, right?) I finally articulated something in my mind today that I wanted to write down - just to get it out there.

When I was knitting these baby sweaters for the women in my life I was taking part in the society of women in my world. I don't think you can recognize that code and conduct of a society or social group until you are for some reason on the outside of it - as I am now. When I was knitting these sweaters I was filled with hope and excitement - in part because I like to make something pretty and useful - but also because I was riding on the hope and confidence that someday it would be my turn - to receive a baby sweater for my child. Soon it would be my turn to have other women be hopeful and excited for me.

That hasn't happened.

Most of the important women in my life, my mom, mother-in-law, sister, sisters-in-law, cousins and female relatives and friends know that my husband and I are struggling with infertility. They are - so far - all fertile. I have knit something for every one of them that has had a child.

Everyone - except my sister and closest cousin - have remained silent about my struggle with infertility. Some people think that commenting on our ongoing quest to adopt is a way of broaching that topic - and even though an adopted child would be great - that's not acknowledging the pain I've experienced with our infertility.

This sucks for me.

I feel very cheated and let down that the society of women in my world is so brittle and weak that it's not robust enough to also contain my infertility.  How hard can if be to acknowledge my struggle on a private and sincere level? It should be something that we teach our daughters. This is important and painful to some people and it needs to be acknowledged. Who can teach them this?

Me? At this point all the women in my life pity me and think I'm a crazy B-I-T-C-H.

I don't expect acknowledgement from everyone - that would be too much. But from someone? Anyone?

Today I found out at work that one of my cousins and his wife had their third child. They named their son the same name as my husband. They excluded us from their email announcement about the birth of their son.

I was (and am) devastated. (Though that is fading fast.) I knit their first child a baby sweater by the way - the purple and blue striped one.

This whole infertility thing could make me into a really bitter person - if I let it. I'm really trying not to let it. I may stop knitting baby sweaters for other women though.

IVF # 1 - waiting and hoping

Waiting has been my theme these past few months as we gear up for our first IVF cycle. We signed our contract this past Wednesday, reviewed our protocol, and our clinic called in our prescriptions. Our clinic runs its IVF cycle two weeks out of each month. Guess when August's protocol starts? You probably guessed it - the last two weeks of the month.

So we're waiting AGAIN to get our protocol started. Ug.

I'm glad I have these two weeks though, because I found out that our clinic called our meds into a pharmacy in Arizona. (We live in Minnesota.) Not sure what's going on there, but I have to wait to sort things out until Monday. Maybe they found me some better prices down in Arizona. I'm trying to be positive here because I'm not too impressed with how my clinic has handled this part of the process. I'm not someone who needs her hand held, but I am someone who would like to know all the facts, doses, fees, etc.

The IVF coordinator said that she would email me on Thursday a list of instructions and that list has not arrived. I would just like some follow through. Don't say you're going to send something and not send it.

Luckily I am very impressed and confident with the lab people and my doctor at our clinic - those are the real miracle workers. I guess I can handle a few email and prescription glitches. We are not down to the wire yet.

I was talking to my sister on the phone last night and I told her how much this first IVF cycle would be costing us - we're guessing around 11 to 12 thousand dollars and she said:

"It's that much for one? I thought is was that much for three?" Then she said: "So you could spend 36 thousand dollars trying to have a baby?"

I wanted to scream "duh! Duh! Duh!" But I just stayed calm and confirmed her estimate. When I got off the phone with her I was kinda depressed. Even the closest people to us have no comprehension about the emotional and financial costs of these treatments.

And is may not even work . . .

Believe me, I haven't been all doom and gloom this week. I've been pretty positive. I've even been dreaming that we are pregnant. I had two dreams this week that I was pregnant. In one of the dreams I was pregnant with twins. In the other I was holding our baby. I think this is good news. I think my subconscious is finally starting to believe that we will be parents.

Every day I just say to myself: "IVF works." Because it does. And whenever I say that I feel a surge of positive energy course through my system.

I had my annual exam this week and my doctor was also very positive about IVF. She said: "You're going to get pregnant." Two years ago I would have been nodding my head and smug, at that moment I was quietly subdued and hopeful.

I won't count my chicks until they've hatched, but I will hope and pray with all my heart for them.

Sending love:

Jillian